I keep writing and deleting, trying to explain this photograph, when all I really want to do is ask my beloved..."Is this how you see me?"...espeically after our heart to heart this morning.

I'm not sure if this photograph expresses what my heart and soul are keenly aware of this morning. But I do know...I am...aware and thankful...for the reality of us.

If my head were a coconut it should have been split a bit ago to relieve the pressure. The white noise is getting to me and so is the shape of my enclosed box. Outside there is a beautiful day unfolding...85 degrees, blue skies, sunshine, and I'm stuck in an office with the heater on to 70. All of it would be ok if it wasn't for this darn headache...what gives!

All complaining aside.... I like this quote I heard yesterday:

"I Love You...don't make me choose...because it will be Him...it's always been Him."



Thinking maybe I could use some sweet spicey tea

I woke up this morning with a good attitude. Watched yesterday's broadcast of Dr. Charles Stanley and took the message "delight yourself in Him" to heart. Then Franky threw up as he was getting ready for school and well my attitude tanked.

I feel selfish...

Selfish for wanting those quiet hours for myself. Mixed up because I know what I said...believe to be true....and yet just don't feel like doing about stuff.

So yeah... I just told him I need my space and his response was ok....is this far enough? How about now....(this as he was walking into another room.

Thinking sonshine will be good for me today. Sonshine and laughter.

....but man am I ever hung over this morning.... I need some Good Earth spice tea...

Ha! I wore mascara today and curled my hair (smiles) and my beautiful Lucky hoop earrings (the ones that jingle when I move)

Work...I must focus...

I got a feelin....I'm gonna be in a whole lot of trouble tonight...(sighs)

I wish I was sorry...but so often I'm so totally not...

Thinkin its time for a make over

He...really missed me

I...really, really missed him (to the core of me)

All I can do is sigh...thinking about what this feels like...not wanting it to evaporate...all the while knowing...this intoxication will...the thing is...not to over think it...and to allow myself to live and relive our connection.

He's pure danger...
Me I'm innocent...(whatever)

Today I fell...deeply...for you...
There between the warmth of a repressed expression...
And the soft landing of a wishful vision...

I heard the crunch of the leaves...
I tasted the sweetness of a lingering after thought...
And as the moment engaged itself true...

I wondered how in the world...I'd ever survive
Until the next time our worlds collided...
And all the seasons fell into one...



(Yesh...I came back to edit)

Dear God,

This is me... M~

As you know, I'm back to work and its all hectic like bypass surgery in the midst of a black out....OK maybe not that hectic...(ahem)

I'm swamped...coughing...and totally distracted by stuff that should wait for later...thing is...I'm an in the moment person...

Smiling up at you... I can hear the plane you are co-piloting.... Autumn is almost over and I haven't gotten a chance to see the leaves.

Still....I'm grateful

I Love You

It's after midnight here in the city of angels....I can't sleep...and I've just read Lyndenberry's post...it made me cry. I needed that release....not sure why I woke up in a restless mood and kinked up inside.

I'm listening to Train's new cd...."This Ain't Good-bye"....

Thinking my kinked up mood came from watching the recorded interview of Rhiana on 20/20

I was once that woman...trying to figure out a way out, back in the day when the cops didn't intervene because women who weren't married didn't really have any rights. It was back then that the 'burning bed' made sense to me, the day finally came when I understood all too well the thin line between insanity and finality. It's one of the reasons I know God is real and guardian angels do exist.

What I took away from the interview I watched tonight was how she kept saying 'love isn't enough'...at least that's what I heard her saying. Back in the day when I found myself in that place .... love had nothing to do with it. More so it had to do with being defenseless and the other person knowing I didn't have anyone to stand up for me, to support me through the decisions that give one the courage to break free come what may. I remember hearing people say "she must like it...or else she'd leave" Rhiana said it best...in a way I never thought to..."that's just ignorance"

Thinking back to the times that physical abuse was long gone and emotional abuse was what I knew how to live with...not the kind that batters you with WORDS but rather the kind that kills you slowly by ignoring you until you wonder if you really do exist, matter, etc. etc.

I still remember the time Lyndenberry labeled a certain phase as 'emotional suicide' and not so long ago when Alison reminded me to 'guard my heart'. (long deep sigh)

Last week I read the book Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay...I highly recommend it. Not for the obvious reasons that you'll read about on the synopsis, but rather for the hidden message that you'll come away with in the end.

There is freedom in our personal stories, through the struggles and the pain, we have survived, we have conquered, we have arrived to this very day and I ask...for what? What is the purpose of our existence in the here and now, in the days and weeks to come and perhaps even the years. This question burns a fire within me that I pray will not be drowned out by a fear, some kind of shame, or worse a moment of cowardice.

I'm smiling as I write this part... there are 21 days until my next birthday. It's been a few years since I've asked God to teach me something profound as my personal birthday wish. I believe the last time I made that request I asked him to teach me about real love. (Smiles...along with another deep-deep sigh)

Thinking I'll gather up the nerve to ask Him to teach me about my real purpose in this life of mine the one that will fan the flame of passion so far beyond my comfort zone and into places I've never imagined I could possibly go.

Lord, if you're willing, if the time is finally right, I'm not only available, hopeful, and perhaps a bit daring, I'm asking, Lord...

“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding.”- Colossians 1:9

He doesn't like the idea but he agreed stating it would be in the kids best interest.
We're in agreement...
He's gonna talk to his lawyer and find out if we need court papers processed.

I tried to make small talk and he went along with it but the fact that we didn't have much to say was obvious.

Totally reminded me of our divorce.  Amicable

I'm sitting here listening to the fizz ...knowing full well that a vanilla coke does not a meal make...and yet I find comfort in the knowledge that my fingers can't type fast enough to suffice my filtered thoughts. 

Left aside are the bed linens that are now laundered and ready to be placed back on the beds, the sink full of dishes that I know I have to do and the floor that I really should mop because the muddy tracks are obvious.  My lap top is pivoting on a stack of mail that I should sort and still as I describe all this nonsense I'm well aware that I'm trying to calm down.

(Gulping drink-long deep sigh)

Ok maybe it is totally stupid to leave this lap top pivoting on a stack of mail....there...

It's been an unusal Monday morning for me.  After reconnecting with John this morning I called Pastor(about a town map), Kristine(to say hello), Frank(to inquire about his decision) and then Judy(to ask about chicken stock).  Judy and I talked for probably over 2 hrs. which isn't bad since its been too long since I've called her.  We had a lot to try not to say and eventually got around to saying what needed to be said.

This is the reason I'm here - posting the thoughts that are fueled by emotions that I'm now OK with experiencing. 

What got me:
The sentence that followed a big sigh "Maybe what you need to do is just by a turkey and have your own Thanksgiving."

LOL....

What followed:
"This isn't about us NOT having plans of our own for Thanksgiving.  The fact is we are moving to South Dakota and this is the last set of holidays we'll be this close by to be together as a family.  This is about us being adults and putting aside our differences, insecurities, etc. for the kids.  I mean...we are the adults right?"

Her response: "I don't know what else to do...our plan is to come down(to Los Angeles) for Christmas. 

I fought back my thoughts and remained silent because Lord knows I wanted to say "what makes you think we don't have our own plans for Christmas that don't include etc...etc...etc..." and then she added "and maybe the kids can come up for Spring break....".  I didn't respond...because I was too busy flipping through my rolodex of memories - lining up the patterns I'm finally beginning to see all too clear.

Long pause...

I'm going to go make the beds...and wash the dishes...and maybe come back to this once I figure out how to be as honest with myself as I claim to be so readily able to be with everyone else.

....

=o)

The door bell rang...he said "are you the one that lives over there?" I replied: Mhmmm
He said..."Ok" and smiled

Not sure what to think when you drive up to find the piano tuner outside your house...the UPS guys who know that you live at the corner house...and the post person leaves the church mail that doesn't fit in the office slot...on your porch.

Smiles...  Thinkin...this place is like an old pair of shoes...

I don't know my neighbors but its nice that people know where to find me...if they wanna

Soft sigh... I wonder if I'll ever feel lonely at 721...

Working on finances isn't working out for me today.  To many glitches and now my head hurts. 
Franky has been excused from school by the doctor until Monday. 

At the moment I'm thankful for reminder calls ... This IS November...

Time: I lost my footing a while back and now its all I can do to figure out what/where/when and perhaps not so much why.

Bless Moi

It appears Franky's fever has finally broken after 9 days and two different antibiotics.  The cough still sounds horrible but he's on his way...now he just needs to be fever free for 24 hrs. so he can be cleared to go back to school.

Thank you, Lord!